On the Verge of Change

It's the dead of winter, and of course I have neglected to update for several months.

My life hasn't changed much since August. I had my birthday, Halloween, Christmas, ordinary days in-between. However, I still have the same job, the same apartment, the same boyfriend, and the same problems. The change is coming, however, but painfully slowly.

I will be visiting Luxembourg in 9 days. This isn't my first trip across the Atlantic Ocean, but it is radically different from the previous one. I was 12 or so, with my family, and we went to England. It was incredibly fun, but of course, you get a much different sense of the world when you are 26 than you do when you are 12.

This trip, however, represents much more than just "getting out to see the world." I am going to see the world that a man very dear to me lives in. A world that is not completely different from mine.

A world that I will likely live in soon.

I will decide this trip whether or not I want to completely uproot myself from the only place I've really known, and dive into a place where I don't even speak the language. It is likely that I will.

Paper Art

Paper box w/ crane. Resting on my index finger (yes, it is that small)

Origami is a good hobby for someone who can't keep their hands still, like me.

I enjoy it because it requires focus, patience, and the more you do it, the better you get.

Meditative activities that involve using my hands and brain always interest me. Perhaps that's why I'm so drawn to art and music; I can use tools to create something else that's beautiful. And unique.

Isn't that the essence of art, anyhow?

Bike Ride

It was strangely quiet as I rode my bike home from work today.

Even as I rode down a large residential street, all I could hear was the cicadas, the hum of my bike chain, and my own slightly-labored breathing. It is not terribly hot out, but it is humid, and the bright afternoon sun filtering through the trees adds to my exhaustion.

I turn onto Park Avenue and begin to coast down what my friend Dave and I have affectionately dubbed "Killer Hill." That nickname, however, is only for the uphill ride. The downhill ride is exhilarating. I lean slightly over the handlebars as gravity relieves my aching leg muscles, and the wind dries the sweat covering every inch of my skin. However, I must push my tired legs into service once more at the bottom of the hill. I am exhausted, and I am only halfway home.

I have climbed that hill a couple of times before. The first time, I had to dismount and walk the bike up the hill halfway up. The 2nd time, I stopped halfway again, but managed to make it up the rest of the hill still on my bike. I had to stop at the top, because I had lost control of my asthma. I had stood there, wheezing, struggling to catch my breath while my concerned best friend looked on. My mental control took over once more shortly after that, and I was able to finish the ride.

The memories of that hill were what caused me to alter my planned route this morning, a move that ended up adding 2 or 3 miles to my journey to work. That extra distance pushed my energy and muscle reserves past what they were used to, something that I was feeling more and more as I made my way back home.

I stop at a small park right next to the Cedar River to rest. As I sit down in the shade of a pavilion, it is no longer strangely quiet. There are children playing on the baseball field across the park, and there are a lot more runners and cyclists passing on the trail I had just turned off of. My heart is the loudest sound I hear, beating so hard I could feel it pulsing in my ears. I turn inwards once again, to let my mind regain full control of my heart beat and my breathing. Though my body has nearly reached its limit, my mind is running at full speed.  I compose this narrative. I think of some ideas for art. I think of my boyfriend, waiting for me to reach home. Thoughts flit through my head quickly, never staying long. After resting for a little while, I continue on my way.

By the time I return home, I have pushed myself pretty far past my limit. The last mile was the hardest; mostly uphill, and no shade from the merciless sun. Dehydrated, exhausted, and lightheaded, I finally rolled through the lawn to my front door, and inside to relief, at last.

Its amazing how far I've come, really. Last summer, I couldn't even walk outside the house without feeling the urgent press of my asthma, always threatening to consume me. I lived in such fear of it that I didn't even ride my bike, that summer. This year, somehow, I have managed to not only control my asthma, I'm doing better than I have been in quite a long time. I will never be able to ride tens of miles effortlessly, nor will I ever be a super-athlete that races and competes. The hill I've climbed so far still looks pretty impressive when I turn and look back on it.

"Killer Hill" doesn't seem so bad after all.

A Step Forward

I'm not dead.

I know my last blog post was 3 weeks before Charel arrived in the US, and now its over a week after he's left. But I've been incredibly busy with, well, everything. And I guess most of you who would read this blog already know how things went.

I was originally tempted to make this a long, drawn out post about how things unfolded. But I'm slowly realizing that some things don't need to be broadcast for everyone. Instead, I'll just post this photo:

Cute, aren't we?

Charel's trip marked more than just someone visiting. We used it as a gauge, to get at least a preview of how we get along in "real life". And we do get along. Fantastically. Its almost scary how quickly, and how well, we connected.

So, what now? While waiting for him to come over, I tried not to think much about what was going to happen after he left. Maybe I was a bit scared to, I don't know. Or maybe I was trying to be cautious. Either way, the whole time, I was beginning to face the question; "What happens now?"

What happens now is this: We do everything we can to make it work. It will be tough for the next couple of years. A lot of waiting, a lot of tears, a lot of anticipation, and not nearly enough moments together. The ultimate goal is, and always has been, to end up in the same place, at the same time, for good. That's a goal that I really want to accomplish.

He will be returning for a visit on December 19th. I will visit him next summer, if I can save up enough money by then. We'll get through it the best that we can.

Shogun, Cycling, and a Three Week Countdown

I finished a book I've been reading for the past couple weeks or so.

I have a strange way of getting through books. Usually, I catch a few pages in the bathroom or while I'm cooking  supper. Sometimes I'll read for a little while before going to sleep (when my brain is awake but my body is spent.) A few times I'll actually read it at my computer desk. I'm a very quick reader, but sporadic bursts usually lead to the book taking me much longer than normal.

Especially when its a 1152 page monster like Shogun.

I've wanted to read this book for quite awhile now. I've been interested in Japanese history for a little while, and of course this novel was a draw to me. I would keep putting it in the back of my mind, though, so several years passed between when I heard about it and when I finally found a copy of it at a thrift store.

The book is good. It helped that, even though the names are changed, I knew which characters corresponded to which historical figure, and the actual history behind the story. And aside from minor details, the history was  portrayed quite accurately.

I won't blather on about it. I'm glad I read it.

As for the rest of my life, well, a few things to say, I suppose. Yesterday (June 12th) was my boyfriend's birthday. I would have really liked to spend it with him in person, but of course that was impossible. I did spend the whole day talking to him, minus the time I was at work. I am waiting to give his present to him until he gets here. I hope he likes it. It was a wonderful day, though, and I'm really glad I got to spend the time I did with him.

Work is going about as I expect it to. Some coworker stupidity, some customer stupidity, some personal stupidity (I'm not immune!). All part of a job, I suppose. I was in a bit more pain than usual Saturday and Sunday. Not sure if its the change in weather, or if I'm pushing myself too hard. Hopefully tomorrow will involve a little less pain. I've been wearing a back brace and it seems to help a bit. At least it keeps me from slouching when I get really tired. The stress level, for the most part, is a lot lower than my previous job, and I've found that stress is one of the biggest factors in my back pain. Its insane how mental this condition is for me. I will even start to hurt if I talk or think about it too long. I guess its good that I've been training my mind to handle it as well as my body.

The cooler weather lately has make bike riding easier for me. My asthma tends to hate humid weather. Even so, cycling requires a type of meditative focus for me. I always have to control my breathing, be attentive to how hard I am pushing my muscles in my back and legs, and make sure that I pace myself so that I can make it back home without keeling over. All while balancing a wobbly two-wheeled machine and avoiding the asshole suburban traffic. Most of this is quite universal to all people that ride their bikes, but a bit more so for me. I consider it good practice, of many things. And the only real exercise I'm able to do.

Well, I have blathered on for a bit longer than I intended, and my mind is beginning to match my worn-out body. I'll wear it out with one more bit of optimisim.

Things to look forward to: Charel in town in 3 weeks, Chicago trip, sushi, Guinness, a bike ride, and D'nA photo shoots. Wheeeee!

Long-Distance Love

I need to get something off my chest. Let me tell you a little story about the man I fell in love with.

His name is Charel. He lives in Luxembourg (yes, that's Europe) and we met through Atlantica Online. We talk on Skype near-constantly, and we will finally meet in person on July 3rd.

Does that phrase bother you? Some people, it would. Actually, a lot of people question it. The favorite arguments are as follows:

"Europe? That's so far away"

"You haven't met him yet? How do you know he's not a creepy stalker dude?"

"It'll never work out. You'll meet and one of you will be disappointed."

"How could you meet someone through a video game. You should get out more."

"How do you know he's not some 90 year old woman?"

"You would have much more fun dating someone who lives around here."

Meeting people online is still a pretty big taboo. Dating sites are one thing: usually the person you're matched with lives in the same area as you. I have a couple of very good friends who met this way, and usually no one questions it.

I bring up my boyfriend, however, and the questions and the judging begin. Its almost funny at this point. Some of these questions come out of concern for my well-being, and some of them are because the asker cannot fathom trying to date someone who lives across an ocean. Let me address these issues individually (or, at least, give you my opinion on them).

1: Europe is really far away.

You're right, it is. Long-distance, especially distance where driving is impossible, is one challenge I have decided to face. But no relationship is easy. There are some advantages to trying to make this work. You learn to be patient and take things slow. In my particular case, it has allowed me to really get to know him without jumping into things physically too fast. I have had 6 months of dating to consider all the possibilities of how this might go. Which brings me to:

2. How do you know he's not a creepy stalker?

Lets pause for a minute and think about this. The 90's have all scared us with images of creepy guys trying to find a good time by stalking teenagers through chat rooms and instant message. We picture some dude in his underwear fondling himself to the thought of some vibrant young thing that he can easily seduce by being nice and offering her goodies.

I made this sound silly. Yes, it IS still a real danger that you may not really know who you're talking to before you meet them. However, there have been many advances in technology since this situation arose, and the tools of communicating through the internet have made this quite easy to overcome.

Skype, with video, quickly overcomes the "fat guy in the basement" thing. Talking to someone for 6 months, daily, for 5-6 hours (minimum) a day, you really start to get to know someone. Sitting in front of a video, that long...only the best actors can pull off faking who they are, that consistently. 

Of course the thought crossed my mind that, despite all of this, there's still a risk. But there's a risk in every relationship, long distance or not. How many people have you heard about on the news getting beaten, killed, robbed, or raped by someone they met in the same town they live in? Life is risk, and intelligent choices can be made, internet or not.

This also refutes the "90 year old woman" question.

3: One of you will be disappointed.

This is also something that is not exclusive to long-distance relationships. Disappointment usually comes when one person or the other (or both!) "expect" a relationship to go a certain way. Keeping an open mind about what the other person is really like and what direction the relationship will go is important, even if there is only  a foot separating you. The key is to be open-minded, attentive, and consider every option, good or bad. 

4: You should get out more.

All I really have to say on this is: How is being drunk and taking home a stranger with impaired judgement and possibly nothing in common with you better than meeting and getting to know someone slowly through a common interest? 

5: You would have much more fun dating someone who lived here.

The ideal result of this relationship is for both of us to be in the same place at the same time. If I was in this for instant gratification, I would have given up a long time ago. This relationship, however, is worth me taking a chance on. And waiting for.

Long-distance relationships are still taboo and are certainly difficult. I honestly feel that, if the connection is there and so is the determination, you will get through it. We have a long road ahead of us, but I think it will be well-worth the wait.

Old Habits Die Hard

This post is way overdue.

Of course, you knew that. And I did warn you, dear reader, that my updates are sporadic.

Well, anyway, I really haven't found much need to update. I do have a few ideas bouncing around in this cluttered head of mine, but I'm slowly learning that all thoughts do not need to be proclaimed loudly and across the internet. Though my rants on working in a buffet could be quite humorous.

So that's one of my bad habits: not updating journals I start. Its happened many times. Deadjournal, Livejournal, 2 bloggers, and my scoliosis blog all fell into disuse. Though the scoliosis one is mainly because I have no news besides "Yes, I still hurt and no there's nothing I can do about it right now." I'm still living with it, managing it, and trying not to let it drag me under. But enough on that.

Anyway, my life has become a pretty predictable routine of gaming, working, and talking to my boyfriend on Skype. I've also managed to fit in a morning bike ride in there, which has been very good so far. I have approximately another month until my routine gets a big turn-around for 3 weeks. More on that in a following post. (That I've promised you already, but I like to keep things organized.)

I've lived on my own for years, but I am just now finally getting to the point where I can develop my own routine. I'm still not happy with where I am: house is still a mess from moving, my boyfriend lives across an ocean, and my business is still treading water. But when I look back on where I was before, I can't help but notice I've at least made it a bit further up the hill.

And hopefully, as when riding my bike through the back streets of Cedar Falls, when you work to climb a hill, there will be the other side that you can coast down. Even if there is another hill after it, you at least get a moment to rest.